I know literally no one cares but!!! Yeessss i am alive!!! Honestly i did pay for a year subscription but i haven’t been whiling or wanting to post on this app…. I feel as though i am sharing too much and too quickly. This concerned me and my therapist, she suggested i take some time away from social media. After some interesting sessions i decided to stop seeing her. I’m legally and morally unwilling to truly explain details but i assure you that it is ok and normal to seek a new professional. Im on a waiting list and in close contact with my family doctor who calls me often. It sucks because i feel extremely isolated and alone rn.
My mom literally told me the other day that I haven’t self-harmed in 4 years. Yes she really told me that I haven’t self-harmed in 4 years she didn’t ask she told me. I truly don’t understand my mom she doesn’t feel like my mom I’ve never felt like I was raised by her.. I was only there to make her life easier and I think that it’s affecting my relationship with my fiancée who has lived with me and my family for 4 years.
I truly loathe myself right now. Ive been so mean in a certain relationship and idk..
I think I need to learn more about my bpd. I got diagnosed and left it at that. I didn’t realize how much it effected me until joined this group and answered the questions it asks you when you join.
Something I wrote about my childhood. Fear. This is the word that most often comes to mind when I think about my childhood. Fear of stepping on one of her innumerable triggers that seemed to have no traceable pattern. Fear of accidentally setting off my mothers formidable temper that seemed to have all the predictability of a minefield. Fear of the eruption of latent smoldering emotion which was always bubbling right beneath the surface. Fear of the rage which would hit me with all the pleasantness of hot lava. The seething mass would then inexorably seep into my soul seeking its prey until I gave way before its overwhelming power. The dread of her rage never left me. I lived in a constant state of alert. Any ingenuity I was used in considering in what way I could satisfy her innumerable triggers and avoid the burning shame when she would find average childhood mishaps and treat them as if they were deep personal defects. Avoid the terror I would feel when her rage made her look like she was devoid of any sense of reason, of compassion, of sanity even. Her rage. Her pain made her blind to to the damage she was causing to the souls she had brought into the word. Made her blind to the way she was wounding them with every word she screamed in blind rage. Deep Wounds that would leave scars. At home I was either in a state of fear or temporary relief. My emotions centered around hers. If she was happy, I was cautiously relieved. If she was angry, my heart pounded, I was like prey waiting for the predator to pounce but I did not see them and knew not from where it would approach. I tried in futility to predict what might appease, what might diffuse the bomb that was my mothers temper. It needs editing I know.
Pl come into our lives for a reason a season or a lifetime! Giv time time!
I just want to screw my life up sometimes and it’s like I don’t know how to deal with that feeling except trying to ignore & dissociate but then all I do is dissociate when I’m hypomanic
My fiancé said that they didn’t wanna have sex so I had a panic attack because I was already not confident and spiraling in that way but that made me feel like I’m just not good looking and I remembered I don’t look how I want to because I don’t have the money to change my hair or buy the clothes I want yet but I will. I will soon. I just feel so unlovable
Just received my BPD diagnosis last Friday alone with three others ocd antisocial personality disorder and Adult ADHD (this I been knew) . I have heard of BPD but have never really looked up and I’m afraid to now due to me getting overwhelmed with all this new information 😩
I'm having a hard time rn. I just want to vent. I'm so angry and so sad, that I can't access my compassion. It's been a slow, building burn, fed by multiple incidents, soke of which are imagined but possible. I feel disrespected by people who claim to care about me, and I want to push back against that feeling in unhealthy ways. Taking time to sit with my feels and *not* act, even though I have deadlines to meet. I don't know the right moves to make. I can't focus on logic.
I’m here. Vent!!
Struggling today! I have done so well, over the last couple of weeks. Today, i can feel this pulling, like my body’s trying to dragging me down. My moods, are all over the place. I really thought, I’d reach a place, where I was more in control and today there’s been no triggers. But, I feel this bad feeling coming in and panic. I’m so over this, I’m happy. No, I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m paranoid and then distraught. Rebuilding myself mentally over & over and then, not being in control. It’s draining! I’m hoping, that I will recover quickly and I won’t fall as hard. But, it scares me. I’m now, well aware of how this goes. Can the cycle be broken, with BPD or do I have to except the fact, my head can mess with me anytime it wants. I exercise, eat healthier. Talk about my feelings. Do everything, I can to move myself into the right directions.
I’ve been either been overwhelmingly numb, depressed, angry and (rarely) extremely high (like I’m on speed) for the last three weeks I haven’t been neutral in so long 😪 I’m so tired
I’m so tired of living like every tiny mistake I made just ruined everything. It’s so stressful
My ex used to say, “I never know which personality I’m going to wake up too” -.-
I honestly don't know what to even do anymore the stress of everything going on is really making me worse then I've been in a while I haven't been up nothings even happened and yet I'm already thinking how I can just go to in the woods and not come back today if needs be instantly followed by no the carparks the best choice and then end up in a discussion with myself about which way I'll be ending me life within the week especially if the worse happens I'm genuinely in belief this could well be the end of me if the worse happens I'm dead by Thursday and I've got very little doubt at all my mind would change on that one but even if the worse doesn't happen I'm still not even sure I want to be around anymore when it'll just be more of me suffering getting blanked and messed around by people having the knowledge I'll be dying alone stuck in the past with painful memories basically put I have no life anyways suicide for me wouldn't be ending a life it would just be destroying the already wrecked brain of an meat suit that won't be missed
I don’t know how to not feel like I’m unwanted all of the time
I need advice…. I’ve been feeling so hopeless lately… felling like none of this will ever get better… My boyfriend and I have a great relationship. But it seems like the only time we fight is over text. The only time I ever get really angry anf make him feel bad by how I speak to him is over text….. in person or over the phone (even in conflict resolution) is fine. I have no idea why I do this….. anyone else? I don’t know what to do…. I don’t know why I get so sensitive over text. It’s slowly ruining my relationship and I feel hopeless…. This disorder feels so hopeless sometimes…. Why am I like this? I hate the extreme, inappropriate emotions….. but in the moment they feel so real
Has anyone here ever split in their dreams?
How do you get over not wanting everyone to know what happened to you? I don’t wanna be a victim my whole life, I just wanna be understood by everyone fuck.
I’m lost.. I don’t know if I can trust anyone anymore
Whenever I’m sad.. I just want to feel it alone because I truly feel like no one understands me anymore I feel like no where is safe to talk about my feelings because there’s always a way for it to get out in the end
Hi someone’s awake pls I need help
I’m stuck in that part of BPD where it feels like no one likes me and everyone is just going to hurt me and run. Plus I lost my job bc of who I am as a person. Feeling pretty worthless lately
Hey, So last night I was having trouble sleeping and all of the sudden fear and anxiety came along because first of all I was thinking about heaven so I got 2 sides so on this side I was feeling not scared I was excited to go and the other side I was feeling scared and my anxiety started to go high I didn’t went to sleep till 12:30AM because I was super scared and terrified but don’t worry I’m not suicidal I am not suicidal so I’m the morning time I woke up feeling not scared and scared it’s switches I don’t know if I’m dying because I feel like I been eating less and drinking less and experiencing some pain like when I stand my legs feels like I’m going to fall down but I don’t actually fall. Even know I’m going to talk about my social worker about this and what’s happening. Even I been talking to spirits. And I don’t have schizophrenia. I talk to my psychologist also every 3 or more months. This feeling of anxiety and fear and just terrified this happens last night but think god I fell asleep last night so also last night I called my boyfriend and I told him what’s happening and I told him why I been very scared and feeling anxious and everything and he was making Sushing sounds to help with my anxiety and That’s really 100% works but even my boyfriend talks to spirits as well and he is not scared or Anything but last night I was terrible that I was feeling that way and also my sprits are with me every single day and every single night and even when I go to bed they also the sprits sleeps at my house whenever I am they go with me everywhere like legit everywhere even I’m not scared at all but time to time it switches sometimes. And again I DO NOT have schizophrenia.