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Ice CreamHelper
19 May
When I was younger I wanted the first person I had sex with to be the person I married. When I was raped however that all went away. When it happened I had the notion in my head that you stay with that person. I cried for hours the first time it happened but as the weeks went by my ideology made more and more sense to me. I didnāt tell anyone this part because the first thing they think of when I say we still talked was that I liked it, but I didnāt, no one believes me when I said I fought or even yelled but I did. When we were talking things were ok he wanted me to give up on my dreams and as I stated the notion in my head was you stay with this person. I didnāt give up on my dreams but after this happened itās been hard to do what I love. He raped me again and honestly I donāt know what was worse the first or the second and with time I forgave my body and myself. If Iām being honest though not really. After the rape when I talk to someone doing anything sexual was nothing. It felt like something I had to do. I didnāt have sex or anything but thatās what it felt like. When me and this person engaged, I didnāt really care because there was no emotional connection. So, it made it easier to walk away. As time moved though I hated myself for it and stopped. Then I actually meant someone I liked and I noticed I started doing things that I did in the past like falling for the idea of being in a relationship and not with them. I barely know him but I decided to have sex with him. Everything has been messed up since then. The reason being after I started thinking about my rape. I was pissed off at my body because when I was raped it wasnāt as hard for him to enter and it made me so upset because I felt like my body betrayed me. It felt like a big fuck you to my face from the thing thatās mine. I have to keep reminding myself that it is mine. Maybe Iām just tensed because of what happened. He said itāll probably get easier with time but I know it wonāt because of that. Iāve been kind of distant and cold to him lately. My mind just drew a blank because I have feelings for him but we arenāt close enough for me to be attached. I have never known anyone as a whole in a relationship and I want that. I have that with friends but thatās different than a romantic relationship. I donāt know if Iām making any sense but that has been on my mind all night.
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Evergreen Tree
20 May
Has anyone experience having a hard time to have sex with thier partner altering meting raped
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Deciduous TreeHelper
24 May
I don't want to chat...I just need some love/support, please. š„
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Owl
25 May
Does anyone doubt themselves? Like you just say to yourself that didnāt happen or Iām being dramatic. I donāt believe myself sometimes. How is anyone else supposed to believe me if I canāt even believe myself?
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Popcorn
25 May
Hi guys. This group is very special and personal to me because you guys have experienced similar trauma.. Itās bittersweet too know Iām not alone.
I do empathize with anyone still needing another resource because this app can only be so much service to mental health.
With that being said I want to extend a resource called,
ābetterhelpā
Hereās the bullet points about it to keep it short n sweet:
-āmatchedā with a multiple licensed therapists that you can choose to go forward with.
-itās very affordable, they will go over cost before anything. even discounted if you say youāve been effected by covid
-sessions are by text, call, &/or video. Always your choice. Doesnāt need to be face-to-face.
Feel free to hmu with questions or my experience with it :)
Hope this helps someoneš
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Dolphin
27 May
It's been about 8 years since I broke up with my sexually abusive ex-boyfriend. I have had plenty of time to heal and rebuild from the traumatic past he gave me, I've moved on and I'm happily married, but every now and again he pops up in my dreams like an unwanted guest ruining my peace and I hate it. I try my best to steer clear of things that trigger me when it comes to my trauma but I feel like whenever I have dreams about this guy my own mind, in dreams, is cornering me and forces me to think and remember things I'd rather just leave in the past. It's hard enough for me to deal with whenever I see him around town, I freeze up and just want to avoid eye contact and get away as quickly as I can, and then I'm left with uncomfortable feelings that I can't really explain swirling around in my gut for hours just because i seen his face... Now I have to deal with seeing his face in my dreams too? When can I get a break...? š
Don't get me wrong though, these dreams are rare and my thoughts of him are even more so. I am happy and content with where I am in my life, but whenever thoughts or dreams of this man come up I'm left with a bunch of emotions that are hard for me to process. sometimes I feel I can't share with others about what I feel because it's been so long and they won't understand.... I just hope someone on this group does understand me and knows where I'm coming from and can offer some kind words of advice to help me whenever I experience things like this.
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Hedgehog
28 May
Had anyone experienced any child on child sexual abuse? If so could we message each other if comfortable? Itās been years but I canāt wrap my head around things
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Deciduous Tree
31 May
Am I a coward for not fighting him off? š¢ itās happened 3 times already and Iām scared to fight and to tell someone š The second time was the worst coz he thought I was asleep but when I confronted him he denied everything. Heās my partner and I really do love him but he doesnāt understand the word ānoā āit hurtsā or ācan you stopā. Heāll usually say āno Iām not gonna stopā and carry on So I donāt fight. š¢ I cry myself to sleep every night. Iv never lived on my own and I donāt know how to. Living with someone to help me do day to day things is all I know š¢
I just really need a friend rn.
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Hibiscus
1 Jun
I was assaulted years ago and got asked why didnāt you report right away? I blocked it out. Then his own woman got a ppo against me claiming I was never raped when she wasnāt even around in 2015/2016. And the courts accepted it. How? She wasnāt even around. I canāt believe how much injustice is happening in Michigan.
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PineappleHelper
4 Jun
Last night I found out my dad may have been sexually abusive towards my sister as children. I don't want to believe it but with everything out there it's impossible to deny it. I don't know what to do. I had a horrible nightmare last night. I'm freaking out. My CPTSD is going crazy. I'm broken inside right now
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Ice CreamHelper
4 Jun
I was raped when I was a kid by my father who I thought adopted me because he loved just to find out that he was using me for his personal needs and his ego. He doesn't care about anyone else
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frisbee
7 Jun
When I was a about 11-12 I was sleeping and had blanket thrown over me, pinned down, and had a tooth brush shoved into my butt.. I buried it for so long not wanting to believe it happened or acknowledge what it was. All it took was one comment months ago to trigger a flashback and I realized what had actually happened to me and how it shaped my life moving forward... I donāt know what to do
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Maple Leaf
7 Jun
Iāve been playing off that im okay with what happened, and trying to convince myself that Im okay but Im now slowly starting to crack and today is one of those days where it feels hard to move, to breath or feel anything at all. People believe I come off bitchy but they donāt understand the pain im holding in all the time..
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SledHelper
8 Jun
Has anyone confronted their rapist? I donāt want to but maybe I should. Idk what to say
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PopcornHelper
9 Jun
Sexual content (consensual and non)
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Sooooo... My girlfriend and I have become sexual. I love her. I trust her. We have safewords and she knows when I'm starting to have an episode.
I am mostly okay but when we use a certain toy, it triggers my PTSD so much. I absolutely hate it. I have to concentrate really hard to not let my mind wander back to a rape.
I feel awful that this is an issue. I love her so much. I hate that this is ruining things (She doesn't say it ruins things).
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PopcornHelper
20 Jun
I love my dad. He is a great role model.
I hate that this day is hard for me now.. I wonder if my son's "father" thinks he is a dad.... This hurts my soul and it is utterly disgusting to think about this. He is not a father. He doesn't deserve that title...
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Sunflower
24 Jun
Trigger warning
Let me rattle some bones let me shake the earth and slap some people across the head to draw attention now what Iām about to post comes from being bullied stepped on slapped in the face be littled laughed at and disrespected all my life.I cried I bowed my head and I took it all in and then I woke up and then I said enough and then I realized who I was and how much of an amazing person I am and unique I have learned to love myself and I could care less of what anyone thinks about me,stop feeling sorry for yourself you are entitled to make mistakes you are human stop letting others abuse you verbally emotionally and physically if these people canāt respect love or value you,they donāt deserve to be in your life take out and throw that negative energy in the trash and surround yourself with positive light and energy smile more lift your head up get up go outside stop moping around the house go for a walk listen to music and enjoy what the beautiful world has to offer remember to always LIVE,Laugh,Loveā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
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Sunflower
24 Jun
I need someone to talk to. I was sexually assaulted 6+ years ago and last night my partner who I am sexual with and also knows my history tried something that triggered me and now I really donāt know how to feel. He has apologized but I feel like I need to step back. But I donāt want to.
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TurtleHelper
24 Jun
For a long time I felt self blame. I hate that I donāt blame myself anymore, but only because my abusive ex made me see it. Itās like, he doesnāt deserve to have that recognition.
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Violin
26 Jun
I had a dream about him. It was short. There was so much tension & aggression. I came up to him & said hey can I talk to you for a second? & it was like I got closure but there was still so much pain & anger. It just sizzled out when i woke up. We were both upset. But he agreed that he hurt me & that was all I needed but I feel so strange. I know my brain does this to help me find closure because I do not want to talk to him or see him in this waking world. I was beyond hurt by it all, how much I was used & then once I set boundaries it was like I was the bad person for wanting to not be in a relationship or have sex because I had just been sexually assaulted earlier that year. Someone using your sexual trauma as a way to literally get you to have sex with them because they know how to press your buttons & say the things to make you feel like you have to even when you just said you didnāt want to have sex with them or be with them. Even when youāve been harassed about it in the middle of the night when youāre sleeping in a different bed because you let them still live with you because you felt mean if you kicked them out because you still cared about their well being but all they cared about was making you do what they wanted instead of caring about your emotions & needs. Being told that because you weāre molested during your childhood & then SA at 13 & 18 & 22 is what made him do what he did to me at 23. When he was using me the entire time and he knew it. I am so angry because I thought we were good friends & Iāve know him for years. It just shows that heās always just thought of me as someone he wanted to have sex with and never seen me as anything but an object because I wasnāt doing what he wanted. Iām glad that I got out of that. But itāll be a year this fall & I am still processing so much. I just want it to finally be the last time so I can move on
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Sunflower
1 Jul
Trigger warning this goes all to all of you young ladies out there going through it
You are unique and special donāt let anyone tell you otherwise you have the rest of your life to live your dreams and make marks along the way
Donāt let anyone put you down love yourself first
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Honeybee
1 Jul
Someone mentioned having a dream about the person. It reminded me of the dream I had. It was like I was watching it happen like a movie. My husband and I were walking in the woods together holding hands and then it cut to watching him watch us. After we were gone he out loud said something like I wonder what itās like to hold (Michelleās) hand and proceeded to walk out from where he was hiding and watching us was holding his hand out and swinging it pretending to hold my hand as he retraced our steps. Itās dumb but now that random dream bit is just knocking around my head and itās really unsettling. I remember I woke up crying when I first had the dream. I canāt remember but my husband may have been asleep so he wouldnāt have noticed because I probably was quiet about it. I donāt know how to talk to him about it because the person was someone I cheated on my husband with. The whole time he made me more crazy and convinced me he was the only one who could help me. He would purposefully try to get me pregnant and then act like I was over reacting for being upset. He slowly made it clear what he was capable of without ever actually threading me. Iām still terrified of running into him even when Iām out far away. I know what I did to my husband was wrong but I donāt know if I deserve to lose my sanity over it. I donāt know when I started forcing myself to forget things how young I was but I feel lucky to be able to forget any amount of him. Some of the things he made me believe I still kind of do. Theyāre not things most people would believe you could make another person believe.
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RabbitHelper
4 Jul
Have you ever told family what happened to you and thought they didnāt believe you? :(
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RabbitHelper
6 Jul
I was raped. It was so traumatic that my brain blocked it until recently. I never told anyone even after I got the memories back. I didnāt tell them until I couldnāt keep it inside anymore so I had to tell someone. I told my sister and her response was : āthat explains a lotā
Is that a normal response?
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OwlGuide
12 Jul
Trigger Warning: panic attacks and ranting
My rapist's mother keeps trying to add me on Facebook with different accounts. Ugh I find it so triggering! Everytime I see her name and face I get flustered, panic takes over my body, and I feel like the barely 16 year old girl again being told by her to hug "him" and make up. I feel like the 20something woman that she slipped a $100 bill into my pocket while I was sleeping, to get me to "get over it" and stop being so selfish.
Words can't describe how awful this feeling is. I'm trying not to let it ruin my day. Time for some extra self-care methinks.
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frisbee
13 Jul
I just recently realized I think I was assaulted by a girl I used to talk to, but Iām not sure if it counts or not. I went to her house when she was having a party. I was drunk and high and laying on the couch incapacitated. She did it then. I was too out of it to say anything. I still have nightmares about this. Was it assault?
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Mushroom
23 Jul
My case was dropped yesterday due to no penetration and apparently itās just a āhe said, she saidā even though he left marks on me; but he kept me away from my medications (for epilepsy). Does anyone think I could at least file something for endangering my health?
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Evergreen Tree
Sunday
I need to vent something out before I do something stupid. Iām going crazy in my head because my mother is bringing a man (he husband who sheās been separated from for 7 1/2 years) around that called me work and threatened to kill and rape me. This happened about 3 1/2 years ago. All of a sudden she wants to get back together with his because she ālovesā him. This man beat my mother would bite he face, pushed her down the stairs while pregnant and sat on her stomach also while pregnant. I just moved back in with my mom to save money and go back to school and that obviously not happening. I asked my mom that if Iām home I not be around him and to go to the basement so I can make food and go back up stairs or go outside until Iām done which wouldnāt be long maybe like 15 minutes (the time itās normally takes them to smoke) I told my mom that I donāt approve of this at all. I donāt feel safe around him or comfortable. Iām constantly scared especially at night when I go to bed. Iāve been barricading my door and loosing the laches on my window incase I need an escape Iāll have time to jump out the window. My mother wonāt agree or compromise with me itās just what she wants. She now takes his side and is saying that he would never have done that, and I told her the police were even scared for my safety they took my mug shot incase I ended up in a ditch or if he mangled me to the point they wouldnāt recognize my face. The police made me move and asked if I would quit my job but I refused to quit because I love my job. So now Iām having to stay in my room because heās down stairs and she would go outside or in the basement so I can make food. This morning I couldnāt even make a lunch for work because he was down there. So all day Iāve had a granola bar that I found in my purse and one of the girls at work gave my a water bottle. I donāt have enough for a deposit on an apartment and Iām stuck Iām constantly in a dark place and Iām just extremely exhausted and tired I canāt do it anymore I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Lately Iāve thought more vividly about suicide. I have no idea what to do
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Lemon
Tuesday
- i have lived thru divorced parents NOT once but twice - which left me feelin like there was somethin wrong w/me
- i have lived thru the rejection of my real father NOT wanting me, walkin out N never seein me again, 2 my step father who abused me - which left me feelin like i was worthless, no good, a piece of trash, dirty, N mostly unlovable.
- i lived thru growin up in a domestic violence home watchin my parents fight N beat the tar out of ea other NOT once but in both her marriages on a daily basis - which left me feelin scared all the time, i was always afraid when people would fight all the time or raise their voices, N afraid 2 disappoint any1 4 fear of some1 gettin angry but i also in a weird felt like it was a normal environment
- i lived thru growin up in a home w/alcoholic parents, where they were drunk daily - which left me all alone N w/no1 2 trust.
- i lived thru growin up in a home where i was abused ... physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally, N sexually includin bein raped several times ... includin bein raised as both sexes by my mother - which left me w/so many emotions N never knowin who i really was.
- i lived thru my mother bcomin a preacher N using god 2 control N manipulate me
- i lived thru bein married 2 a guy who was abusive mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically, N who attempted 2 kill me 3xs - once w/a gun 2 the back of my head N twice chokin me til i was unconscious.
*** from birth til i was 5 yrs of age ... i grew up watchin my parents beat the tar out of ea other.Ā it was nothin 2 sit there @ the dinner table N watch them throw their dinner plates full of food @ ea other.Ā i rem seein my dad go after my mother w/a crow bar - every day was a fight w/them. Ā i rem my dad burnin my hands on a stove bc i accidently knocked a lamp over N burnt my sisters dress when i was 3 yrs old. Ā my mother finally decided 2 leave after my dad ran a gas line in their room N tried 2 kill her from the gas.Ā i rem always bein afriad esp when ppl would raise their voices or fight - i was very shy N always scared.
*** when my parents split @ the age of 5 my dad would always kidnap me N tell me i would never see my mother again - [which he only kidnapped me 2 hurt her, bc he made it known 2 me all the time how he NEVER wanted me. N he even told me that when my mother was pregnant w/me he put stuff in her tea 2 kill me b4 i was born], of course the police would find me N bring me home. Ā my mother started drinkin N throwin parties - i rem helpin her 2 bed holdin the garbage can 4 her while she got sick N @ the same time her friend started molesting me - this all went on til i was 9 1/2 to 10 yrs of age. Ā my step father had started molestin me thru out the remainder of my childhood from age 10 til i was 19 N my step father raped me several times - the 1st time when i was 12. Ā after my mother found out bout the rape she did nothing - she actually blamed me 4 it happening N than continued 2 leave me home or send me out alone w/him knowin what would happen. Ā my own siblings hated me, bullied me in N out of the home N did nothin 2 help or protect me. Ā
***Ā around the age of 12 my mother N step father started attendin a pentacostal church in long island NY N than it began the manipulation of god ... i was told daily that i was bein punished by god N when i was raped the 1st time by her husband i was told god was punishin me bc i was a bad child ... can i tell u that i have lived the 1st 40 yrs of my life NOT only bein deathly afraid of my parents but of god.Ā i was so afraid 2 do anythin wrong. my mother every sunday brought me in front of the church 2 b prayed 4 bc her husband couldnt keep his hands 2 himself N i was told it was my fault N even tho she would have every1 pray 4 my step father every sunday 2 b delivered from molestin HER child can i tell u that every sunday after church he was in my room molestin me.
*** i rem durin all of this time prayin 2 god - i really wasnt sure if he was there or heard me bc bad things just kept happenin N honestly i didnt look 2 god as my father or did i kno if i could really trust him either .... but i rem askin god 2 give me a big brother that would look out 4 me N protect me, like some of my friends had.Ā i use 2 talk 2 him like he was an invisible friend, bc i didnt have friends or any1 that i could TRUST let alone 2 talk 2 N i wasnt allowed 2 have friends or participate in anythin outside the home bc my mother was afraid that people would find out bout her dirty lil secrets. Ā so in all honesty i was a prisoner in my own home til i was 19 yrs of age N married the 1st guy that was nice 2 me. when i left home my mother told me that god would punish me bc i didnt remain @ home N allow my step father 2 continue 2 molest me until god could heal him.Ā
so u can imagine what i thought of god ... i thought i was gods example 2 the world or those around me what would happen if they didnt do what was right bsides the fact that i blieved god hated me N would NEVER do anythin 4 me.Ā so i quit askin ...
*** growin up in the environment that i did N bein' raped several times i wont deny that i didnt try 2 kill myself bc i did. Ā i had no1 that i could TRUST ... my own family disowned me N turned their back on me. the only 1 i could trust 2 get me thru anythin was .... ME !!!! Ā i felt like god wasnt there 4 me so y would i trust him or ask him 4 anythin, bc when i did he sure didnt help me anyway. so i just blieved more N more in what my mother said 2 me bout god.
*** my 1st marriage lasted 10 yrs N than i got married a 2nd time 2 a guy that abused me - physically, verbally, mentally N emotionally. Ā i rem being in this marriage N askin god if he was real 2 NEVER let me b as cold hearted as my 2nd husband was. Ā i was beaten daily N if i didnt take it - than he would go after my girls N i wasnt gonna let that happen. Ā it got 2 a point where i wasnt allowed 2 have friends or any1 in my life. Ā i rem slowly losin myself N prayin every day that god would take me. deep down i knew that the only way i was gonna get out of this marriage was if one of us was dead N i knew it was gonna b me. Ā i attempted suicide on a daily basis, btween overdozin on bottles of nyquil N alcohol @ a time 2 cuttin my wrist but 4 some reason god didnt take me. Ā 2 deal i learned 2 body carve, the more i cut the better i felt - every time the blood would run out of ea cut i felt like the pain was drippin away.
Ā *** i spent my whole life runnin from god bc i had a lot of mixed feelings i wanted 2 blieve that he was listenin N was there 4 me but that he had his reasons 4 NOT being there when i was a child. Ā well @ least thats what i blieved.
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Chipmunk
Tuesday
This has happend to me two years and 5 years ago I am now married and just had a baby but me and my husband are no longer talking due to me not opening up i al lost I have depression because he donāt understand what flashbacks and not comfortable with you body and how I consistently blame myself for this happing to me
1 Reply
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HibiscusHelper
3:31 PM
Is it okay to be assulted twice by ur partner?
But still love them and not want to let go of them