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Ice CreamAuthor
19 May
When I was younger I wanted the first person I had sex with to be the person I married. When I was raped however that all went away. When it happened I had the notion in my head that you stay with that person. I cried for hours the first time it happened but as the weeks went by my ideology made more and more sense to me. I didn’t tell anyone this part because the first thing they think of when I say we still talked was that I liked it, but I didn’t, no one believes me when I said I fought or even yelled but I did. When we were talking things were ok he wanted me to give up on my dreams and as I stated the notion in my head was you stay with this person. I didn’t give up on my dreams but after this happened it’s been hard to do what I love. He raped me again and honestly I don’t know what was worse the first or the second and with time I forgave my body and myself. If I’m being honest though not really. After the rape when I talk to someone doing anything sexual was nothing. It felt like something I had to do. I didn’t have sex or anything but that’s what it felt like. When me and this person engaged, I didn’t really care because there was no emotional connection. So, it made it easier to walk away. As time moved though I hated myself for it and stopped. Then I actually meant someone I liked and I noticed I started doing things that I did in the past like falling for the idea of being in a relationship and not with them. I barely know him but I decided to have sex with him. Everything has been messed up since then. The reason being after I started thinking about my rape. I was pissed off at my body because when I was raped it wasn’t as hard for him to enter and it made me so upset because I felt like my body betrayed me. It felt like a big fuck you to my face from the thing that’s mine. I have to keep reminding myself that it is mine. Maybe I’m just tensed because of what happened. He said it’ll probably get easier with time but I know it won’t because of that. I’ve been kind of distant and cold to him lately. My mind just drew a blank because I have feelings for him but we aren’t close enough for me to be attached. I have never known anyone as a whole in a relationship and I want that. I have that with friends but that’s different than a romantic relationship. I don’t know if I’m making any sense but that has been on my mind all night.
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WhaleGuide
19 May
Hi XN, good you were able to put it all out. I hope we can support you as you go forward. We can talk as you go! 💫
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PineappleHelper
19 May
It takes years an years to feel like your body is yours again. Don't put to much pressure on yourself about how you feel. You have every right to feel every emotion that you feel. Tell yourself everyday my body is my body and adventually you'll start to feel it when you get to that point I would start with something like self pleasure to discover what you like and to have pleasure without any pressure of trying to please someone else or do it for someone else. Take control of your body before worrying about a relationship. That's just my advice every body is different
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Hamster
20 May
Thank you for sharing your story. Uncertainty is a big part of how we respond to being abused like that. There's a lot of loss that goes along with it that deserves to be grieved. Finding the way forward... there's no manual or class that teaches you about it. No right or wrong way to try. Emotional numbing is common. Having difficulties understanding your body, how to navigate emotional and sexual relationships... it's a normal response to a situation you didn't choose. It sounds like you're trying to understand and start your healing journey. Hopefully you get some insight here that can help. 💖
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