I lost my Grandpa in April 2021. He was actually was my step-grandfather, (my step dad’s father). He was a good man and well known by our community for his career and passions. I feel I just haven’t been quite the same since. I had a terrible nightmare last night about his grave being dug up/someone messing with his grave. I woke up miserable and anxious because of this nightmare. and then my ex randomly appeared in the dream. I almost feel this dream was a warning sign from my grandpa and/or God to respect myself and never associate with my (manipulative) ex ever again. Maybe I’m overthinking it too much. But I’ve been really feeling in the dumps about losing My Grandpa this year AND dealing with a lot of grief over losing/having to let go of many significant friendships in my life. I feel so fucking alone and unwanted. I know everyone tells me not to feel so bad about myself and they tell me I have a lot going for me. But I just don’t feel the love probably because I’m actively looking for actions of people that prove they don’t want me. The mind is a mysterious thing and my mental is just very foggy and depressed lately since losing such a caring Grandpa. He was a goofball and even the last day I saw him “You need to come around more ya know, I won’t be around much longer” . For the past 10-15 years he would fake pout and make bad jokes about Bumpa not being around much longer. And it’s just something so soul and heart wrenching about all this because it goes so deep for me. He raised my step dad right, who in turn raised me right when my dead beat dad abandon me and gave up on my brother. I just feel so grateful to have known my Bumpa and I feel so guilty not spending more time with him absorbing his love and bouncing that love back to him. I just feel so shitty because I’ve wasted so many years trying to be a great friend to people who don’t see my value and I spent minimum time with my Bumpa and his awkward jokes (he also had dementia which made conversations difficult - but he was still mostly really with it) ...... I just feel like such a piece of shit and I feel maybe being rejected socially so much is my karma for not loving on my family more. I know all this isn’t the truth and I deserve so much love n friendship but i just have this mean voice in my head telling me I deserve to suffer now for how ungrateful and aloof i’ve been. I know this is a long post. I haven’t wrote one in a while. I just needed to let off some stuff off my chest. I feel like friends and family don’t want to hear my sorrows or vents, I feel like such a burden 😔
When you lose some one close what happens is we go over things in our mind. Wish I did this or could have done this to help them etc. The truth is people don’t live for ever and you never know when that’s going to be. Maybe he was telling you a sign to get away from a abusive ex. But he wouldn’t want you sad and feeling low. He would want you to be happy. And to remember the good times you had together.
Thanks so much for your kind words... I really needed the extra support tonight and I appreciate you❤️. It does appear true that the mind wanders a lot especially when coping with loss... and you’re right cuz he absolutely would want me to be happy and not feel overly bad about myself
I'm sorry you lost your step grandad. I lost mine 2 years ago and I still really miss him so I can understand. If you ever want to chat about it please message me.